So apparently September 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. In lieu of this, I'm going to bombard my readers with pirate-related things.
PIRATE JOKES. Here are some of my favorites.
This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"
And the pirate says...
Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!
A little kid dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers. "Oh, i can see you're dressed up as a pirate." the man says. "But where are your buccaneers?" So the kid says "On either side of my buckin' head!"
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "What happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poop!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
Because come on, how else can you strike that perfect chord of cutesy and smack-you-upside-the-head-if-you-mess-with-me-BA??
Have you read any pirate-related books lately? If not, you really should. This one's one of my favorites, and the first pirate book I read. If you like twists and turns in a plot, you should definitely check it out.
If anyone's the author of a pirate romance or other type of story, do drop me a line! I'd love to do a feature on all things pirate sometime in the next few days, while we're all still in the spirit!
Until then, Excelsior!